New CEO Promises

Yahoo hired a new CEO.  Yahoo was a once-promising tech company headed for bankruptcy.  They mismanaged delicious, but did find a greater fool to buy it and totally wreck it.

The new CEO may pursue a questionable merger with a struggling Netflix.  Netflix is another once-promising company headed for failure.  Why?  Seeing Netflix’ success,  the media corporations are jacking up the fees they charge Netflix. With a State copyright monopoly, media corporations may charge arbitrarily high fees and ruin Neftlix’ profitability.

Imagine if a new CEO gave an honest speech?

As your new CEO, I am committed to maximizing the value of my stock options while pretending to create value for shareholders.

I will pursue questionable buyouts, to inflate earnings and cover up problems.

I am committed to using every possible accounting trick.

When necessary, I will commit fraud and rob customers.

I will make sure that all my subordinates are evil and/or spineless.  If my scams fail and I get caught, I will deflect blame to them while pretending to be incompetent.

I have what it takes to succeed in America’s modern economy.  I’m a better person than you are.  That’s why I’m paid the big bucks while you’re struggling to make ends meet.

I really should attempt “Promote freedom via comedy.”

One Response to New CEO Promises

  1. Anonymous Coward January 6, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    >I will make sure that all my subordinates are evil and/or spineless. If my scams fail
    >and I get caught, I will deflect blame to them while pretending to be incompetent.

    This is just so true.

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